3 Things I Do to Help Kristin Feel Safe
Small Daily Actions That Make a Big Difference in Her Healing
14-week Rewired Healing Series- Week 6
Shame, Self-Worth & the Inner Critic (A Partner Perspective)
⚠️ Trauma-Informed Reminder
Some of what’s shared here might bring up strong emotions or old memories. Please go at your own pace.
✔️ Pause or step away if you feel overwhelmed — that awareness is part of healing.
✔️ Use grounding tools if your body feels tense (a few deep breaths, stretching, or orienting can help).
✔️ Skip this entirely if it doesn’t feel safe for you today. Your emotional safety comes first — always.
Summary:
Kristin and I use three daily practices to move through shame, rebuild self-worth, and turn vulnerability into deeper connection.
For Kristin, these are tools that help her calm her nervous system and rewire shame-driven beliefs. For me, they’re about learning how to be a safe partner for her healing. Together, they work because Kristin practices self-compassion—and I practice showing up with patience and love.
These aren’t one-time fixes; they’re daily choices that keep changing both of us in ways we never imagined.
I was thinking about those early days in Kristin’s healing this morning over coffee, and man… I wish I’d known then what I know now.
Back then, I thought love meant fixing things, giving advice, and trying to keep everything under control. I had no idea how much that was actually making things harder for both of us.
If I could sit down with that version of me, there are three practices I’d teach him — simple things that would’ve helped her feel safer and brought us closer, faster. Not just to help her, but to help us.
1. Naming the Inner Critic
Why It Matters
When you name and externalize the inner critic, it loses some of its staying power. You stop mistaking its voice for truth and start seeing it for what it is—old protective wiring trying to keep you safe in ways you no longer need.
What This Looks Like for Us
Kristin’s Step:
When shame or self-doubt creeps in, Kristin often heads to the lava rock wall in our yard and settles into one of her favorite practices — a sound meditation. She closes her eyes and just listens: the breeze moving through the palms, birds calling to each other, our wind chimes singing softly.
And this works anywhere. It doesn’t have to be peaceful or perfect. The sound of kids playing in the yard, a robin calling out to its young, even an airplane passing overhead — any of it can work. It’s not about what you hear. It’s about slowing down enough to really listen — letting your awareness follow on the sounds, instead of the stories in your head.
My Step (as the supportive partner):
When I hear Kristin talk to herself harshly—or see her withdraw—I quietly say, “That’s your past talking, not you.” Sometimes I just sit beside her on the wall, letting my presence be enough.
Why This Helps Her:
Kristin says that hearing me name it—or simply feeling me stay with her—helps her body settle faster. She doesn’t feel so isolated in the shame spiral, which makes it easier for her to separate from her inner critic’s voice.
🖐️ How to Practice
Externalize the Voice: Say, “Hello, Inner Critic, I know you’re speaking from fear.”
Use a Playful Name: “Perfection Patrol” or “Shadow Voice” makes it sound less like you.
Respond with Facts: “I can handle this now, I don’t need you to protect me anymore.”
2. Reclaiming Your Worth
Why It Matters
Self-worth isn’t earned by achievements—it’s remembered through consistent, small acts of self-validation that - over time - rewrite your shame-driven beliefs.
What This Looks Like for Us
Kristin’s Step:
Every night, Kristin writes one thing she’s proud of on a slip of paper and drops it into our “Wins Jar.” Sometimes it’s something big, like catching herself in an emotional flashback, sometimes it’s just, “I took a break when I needed to.”
My Step (as the supportive partner):
When she struggles with an emotional flashback or a hard day, I don’t rush to fix it. Instead, I remind her of what she did do well: “You stayed present longer this time.”
I also write my own slips for the jar—like “I stayed patient when she needed space.”
Why This Helps Her:
Kristin says my reminders help her see progress she can’t always see herself. It reassures her that I notice her efforts, which makes her feel safer to keep trying.
(And for anyone reading this—you don’t need a jar. Kristin started by jotting wins in the notes app on her phone. It’s the daily recognition, not the container, that matters.)
🖐️ How to Practice
Daily Affirmations: Focus on core truths—“I am enough,” “I deserve kindness.”
Reparenting Acts: Give yourself what you missed as a child—journal to your younger self, hold your own hand during hard moments.
Fact-Based Reflection: Write three simple, factual things you did well that day.
3. Turning Shame into Connection
Why It Matters
Shame thrives in secrecy. Saying it out loud to someone safe rewires your nervous system—it shifts you out of isolation and into safety.
What This Looks Like for Us
Kristin’s Step:
When Kristin whispers, “I feel ashamed I overreacted,” she’s practicing staying present with me instead of hiding in shame.
My Step (as the supportive partner):
I lean in, look in her eyes, and say, “Thank you for trusting me with this. I love you—all of you.”
I also share my own shame sometimes, saying things like, “I felt ashamed when I couldn’t fix it for you.” This reminds us we’re both human, both learning.
Why This Helps Her:
Kristin says that hearing unconditional love and acceptance in those moments shifts everything. Instead of shame being proof she’s “too much,” it becomes proof that she’s safe enough to be fully herself.
🖐️ How to Practice
Name the Feeling: Simply saying “I am experiencing shame” interrupts its hold.
Invite Compassion: Ask a safe person to just listen and say, “I’m here with you.”
Offer Reassurance: Respond with compassion: “You’re not alone. I see your strength in sharing this.”
What We Hope You’ll Take With You
If you’re walking beside someone with Complex PTSD—or carrying your own shame and inner critic—please know you’re not alone. These practices aren’t quick fixes; they’re daily choices that change how you relate to yourself and to the people you love.
If you try them, I’d love to hear about it. Share a small victory or question in the comments.
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📌 About Us:
We’re Kristin & Travis Francis — founders of Complex PTSD Warrior.
We provide trauma-informed education and support for healing your nervous system, repairing relationships, and breaking generational cycles — using curated tools rooted in neuroscience and lived Complex PTSD experience.
Our mission is to spread Complex PTSD Awareness, Education & Tools around the world.
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Disclaimer: The content shared here is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. Please go at your own pace, and always prioritize what feels safe for your body and nervous system. If you’re in crisis or need immediate support, please reach out to a licensed mental health provider or crisis resource in your area.
"Self worth isn't earned by achievements" every time someone says this or I read it I have to really think about it. I'm still figuring this one out. Like people are worthy even without achievement? It's a foreign concept to me. I'll get there....with your help :)
This is very helpful. My SEP is helping me to see how shame has led to almost constant self-criticism.