How to Tell If a Therapist Is Truly Trauma-Informed

What real safety in therapy looks like — and how to spot red flags

14-week Rewired Healing Series- Week 2

📚 Summary

If therapy has ever left you feeling worse instead of better — this post is for you.

This week, we explore how to find trauma-informed support that actually feels safe to your nervous system — and why the wrong kind of help can set you back in early healing.

Inside this post:

✅ What trauma-informed care actually looks and feels like
🚩 Red flags that signal a provider may not be safe for trauma work
🌿 Green flags that tell your body it’s okay to open up
📝 A checklist of 7 questions to ask before choosing a therapist
💭 A reflection prompt to help you tune into what your system needs

Whether you’re searching for support or trying to make sense of past experiences, this will help you recognize what real safety feels like — and protect your healing in the process.

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My parents divorced when I was 7, and my mom started me in therapy — which continued all the way into adulthood. In fact, I was still in therapy until just a few months ago, when my longtime therapist moved away.

So now, I’m back in that familiar — and often overwhelming — place of trying to find someone new.

If you’re there too, I want you to know: you’re not alone. This post was written from that exact place — to help you navigate the search for real, trauma-informed support with more clarity and confidence.

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Over the years, I saw at least six different therapists. All of them were kind. Some were clinical. Others a little off. But I always kept my deepest traumas hidden — not because I didn’t want to heal, but because I didn’t feel safe enough to share.

I was 42 when I finally met a therapist who approached me differently.

She was softer.
She spoke slowly — and paused before she spoke, gently choosing her words.
She listened with a kind of empathy and presence —

I had never felt before.

It was like she was speaking an entirely different language — one my nervous system could finally understand. One that didn’t make me feel broken or rushed. One that helped me feel safe enough to stop hiding.

Looking back, it’s now clear — she was trauma-informed.

That’s when I realized: support only helps if your body actually feels safe receiving it.

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🌿 What Trauma-Informed Support Feels Like

It’s not a credential — it’s a felt sense of safety.
Something your body experiences — often before your mind can explain it.

When a therapist, coach, or healer is truly trauma-informed, you don’t just understand them — your body feels understood.

You don’t feel pushed.
You don’t feel judged.
You don’t have to know what to say.

Instead, you feel:

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✅ They honor your pace

The trauma-impacted brain is often wired for hyper-vigilance — always scanning for danger, even in safe environments.
Rushing into hard conversations too quickly can activate survival responses (like shutdown, freeze, or fawn), making it impossible to process or integrate.

A trauma-informed therapist knows that going slow isn’t avoidance — it’s protection.
They trust your timeline.
They meet you where your nervous system is, not where your mind thinks you should be.

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✅ They pause and check in often

A trauma-informed provider doesn’t just listen — they track.
They notice shifts in your voice, posture, breath. They check in when your energy changes.
They don’t assume you’re fine just because you’re still talking.

This kind of attunement sends powerful signals to the brain — especially to the amygdala, your fear center.
It tells your system:
“I’m not alone. I don’t have to stay on high alert.”
Over time, that’s what builds trust — not just with them, but with yourself.

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✅ They teach regulation before going deep

Instead of diving into trauma content right away, they help you build capacity.
That might look like breathwork, orienting to the space, or practicing grounding techniques together.

This is how they help you access the ventral vagal state — the calm, connected zone of the nervous system where real healing becomes possible.
They’re not just teaching you tools — they’re helping your body relearn safety.

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✅ They believe your experience

You don’t have to prove your pain.
You’re not asked for evidence or told how you “should” feel.
They hold your story with compassion — even the parts that don’t have words yet.

Being believed helps rewire the parts of your brain impacted by trauma — especially if you’ve lived through gaslighting, emotional neglect, or repeated invalidation.
It reinforces:
“This is real. I matter. I’m not alone.”

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✅ They empower — not pathologize

Instead of focusing on what’s “wrong” with you, they help you understand what’s happened to you — and how your nervous system adapted in order to survive.

This shift moves you out of shame and into compassion.
And that shift matters.
Because self-compassion activates the parts of the brain linked to emotional resilience — ...and begins to heal the circuits that chronic shame once wired into place.

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🚩 When “Help” Doesn’t Feel Safe: Red Flags to Watch For

Trauma-uninformed support often sounds good on paper — but it can leave you feeling more dysregulated than supported.
If something feels “off” in your body — even if the person is kind — that matters.

Here are some of the most common signs the support you're getting may not be trauma-informed:

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❌ They push you to open up before you're ready

You feel pressure to “go there” emotionally, even when your nervous system is still in protective mode.

This can activate survival responses like freeze, collapse, or dissociation — especially if trust hasn’t been established yet.
Trauma isn’t healed by force. It’s healed through felt safety, over time.

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❌ They minimize your feelings

You hear things like:
“That was a long time ago.”
“At least it wasn’t worse.”
“Try to focus on the positive.”

Minimizing, even with good intentions, can reinforce shame and invalidation — which the trauma-impacted brain often already expects.
Your nervous system hears that as: “This isn’t safe to feel. I need to shut down.”

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❌ They don’t help you regulate

Sessions open up pain — but don’t help you close it safely.

You leave feeling cracked open, overwhelmed, or like you’re “floating” with no ground under you.
Without regulation or grounding practices, trauma processing can re-activate the very symptoms you’re trying to heal.

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❌ They try to fix you

You’re met with quick solutions instead of slow presence.
Advice is given without understanding your story or your state.
You may feel like a project to manage — not a person to connect with.

This can trigger fawn responses in particular: a desire to perform or people-please to avoid rejection, which only pulls you further away from your healing self.

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❌ You leave feeling more dysregulated than when you arrived

This is the clearest red flag of all.

Even if you can’t explain why — if your body leaves a session feeling shaky, exposed, or deeply unsettled, that’s a valid sign it may not be the right fit. You deserve to feel safe in the support you receive.

Your nervous system is always giving you feedback.
When something feels unsafe — it often is.

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📝 Looking for a Trauma-Informed Therapist? Ask These Questions First:

Use these in a consult call, email inquiry, or even just as a guide when reading through someone’s website or profile. You deserve to feel safe, not sold to.

1. Do you have training in trauma or Complex PTSD?
   → Look for specific modalities like EMDR, somatic experiencing, polyvagal theory, parts work, or inner child work — not just “general experience.”

2. How do you approach safety and pacing in early sessions?
   → Their answer should center your nervous system, not their treatment plan.

3. What do you do when a client feels overwhelmed or triggered?
   → A good answer includes grounding, regulation tools, and checking in — not pushing through.

4. Do you integrate body-based tools or somatic awareness into your work?
   → Talk therapy alone often isn’t enough for trauma recovery. Your body needs to be part of the process.

5. How do you help clients build trust and connection over time?
   → Healing doesn’t happen in session one. Their answer should reflect patience, attunement, and consent.

6. What’s your stance on fawning, masking, or people-pleasing behaviors?
   → You want someone who recognizes these as trauma responses — not personality flaws.

7. How will I know if this is the right fit — and what happens if it’s not?
   → A trauma-informed provider will respect your agency and support your decision to continue or not.

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💭 Reflection Prompt:

Think back to a time when support felt safe — even just a little.
What made it feel that way in your body?
What do you want to feel more of when receiving care moving forward?

You deserve support that helps you breathe easier — not brace harder.

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✨ Before You Go…

If you’ve ever felt worse after asking for help — please know this:

You’re not broken.
You didn’t fail therapy.
You were likely never given the kind of safety your nervous system truly needed.

And that can change.

💭 Have you ever worked with a therapist who made your body feel more dysregulated — or more safe?

What helped you know the difference? Please share in the comments.

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💛 Coming Thursday for paid subscribers:

A deeper reflection, ‘What I’ve Learned From 40 Years of Therapy — Eight therapists. Four decades. One moment that changed everything,’ including the stages of therapists I believe many trauma survivors go through on the path to safety.

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📖 Terms & Definitions

(Helpful for understanding the trauma-informed support posts)

🧠 Nervous System States

• Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn: Automatic survival responses triggered by threat.

  • Fight: Confronting the threat (e.g., anger, control)

  • Flight: Escaping (e.g., restlessness, overworking)

  • Freeze: Shutting down (e.g., numbness, dissociation)

  • Fawn: Appeasing others to stay safe (e.g., people-pleasing)

• Dorsal Vagal State: A shutdown or collapsed nervous system response — marked by numbness, disconnection, or fatigue.

• Ventral Vagal State: The state of calm, connection, and safety where healing becomes possible.

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🧠 Co-Regulation:
The process of two nervous systems influencing each other. A calm, present therapist can help your system feel safe by simply being attuned and regulated themselves.

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🧠 Dissociation:
A mental disconnection from the present moment, body, or emotions. It’s a common trauma response and a protective survival strategy.

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🧠 Attunement:
When someone notices and responds to your emotional and physical cues with care — like pausing when you get quiet or softening their tone when you’re overwhelmed.

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🧠 Trauma-Informed:
An approach that understands how trauma affects the body and mind — and prioritizes safety, pacing, consent, and regulation over pushing for quick results.

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🧠 Somatic Tools / Somatic Awareness:
Body-based practices (like breathwork or grounding) that help you notice and work with sensations in your body — essential for trauma healing.

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🧠 Regulation / Dysregulation:

• Regulation: Feeling grounded, calm, and present

• Dysregulation: Feeling overwhelmed, anxious, numb, or checked out

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🧠 Neuroplasticity:
The brain’s ability to rewire and form new pathways — meaning healing and change are possible, especially through repeated experiences of safety.

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📚 This post is part of the Rewired Healing Series —

Our 14-week journey exploring the real building blocks of trauma healing: nervous system regulation, safety, self-compassion, identity repair, and daily integration.

If you’re just joining us, you can catch up on Week 1 here:
👉 Week 1 link

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If this post resonated, I’d love for you to:

✅ Share it with someone who’s struggling to find the right support
✅ Leave a comment or reflection — We always read and respond
✅ Subscribe below if you want to keep walking this healing path with us

📌 About Us:

We’re Kristin & Travis Francis — founders of Complex PTSD Warrior.
We provide trauma-informed education and support for healing your nervous system, repairing relationships, and breaking generational cycles — using curated tools rooted in neuroscience and lived Complex PTSD experience.

Our mission is to spread Complex PTSD Awareness, Education & Tools around the world.
If this post helped you feel seen, understood, or less alone — we’d be so grateful if you shared it with someone who might need it too.
It might be the message they’ve been waiting their whole life to hear.

Disclaimer: The content shared here is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. Please go at your own pace, and always prioritize what feels safe for your body and nervous system. If you’re in crisis or need immediate support, please reach out to a licensed mental health provider or crisis resource in your area.