No Spark with the "Good" Ones? Here's Why

How To Stop Chasing the High & Build Real Chemistry

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⚠️ Trauma-Informed Reminder

Some of what’s shared here might bring up strong emotions or old memories. Please go at your own pace.

✔️ Pause or step away if you feel overwhelmed — that awareness is part of healing.

✔️ Use grounding tools if your body feels tense (a few deep breaths, stretching, or orienting can help).

✔️ Skip this entirely if it doesn’t feel safe for you today. Your emotional safety comes first — always.

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If you have no spark with the “good” ones, you’re not broken.
Like me, you likely learned to read the chase as love. (see this week’s free post “Why I was Never Attracted to the Good Guys”).
This is extremely common in trauma survivors - especially those of us who grew up with divorce, inconsistent caregiving, emotional unpredictability, or feeling like we had to be “easy” to keep the peace.

Our bodies got used to on-off attention, so anxiety started to feel like attraction.
The steady ones can seem “meh” at first - not because they’re wrong, but because your body expects the spike and misreads ease as “no spark.”

Over time, that on-off pattern wires a craving loop: spike → relief → crash.
It’s thrilling, but it doesn’t build trust.
The good news: you can retrain your body to feel a real spark with people who actually show up.

Everyday example: A new love interest follows through when they say they will and your mind automatically says “boring.” That’s old wiring, not truth. We can teach your body to recognize warm and steady as good.

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What Actually Builds Real Spark

1. The spark isn’t the bond. Spike → relief → crash feels exciting, but it doesn’t build trust and safety.

2. Capacity creates chemistry. When your nervous system isn’t on guard, attraction has room to breathe.

3. Reps beat perfect talks. Lots of small tries change the pattern faster than one big conversation.

Everyday example: Instead of analyzing their last message for 30 minutes, you take three longer exhales, send one clear reply, and go for a quick walk.