Early-life abuse, chronic neglect and/or familial dysfunction left unhindered typically causes the brain to improperly develop. It can readily be the starting point of a life in which the brain uncontrollably releases potentially damaging levels of inflammatory stress hormones and chemicals, even in otherwise non-stressful daily routines.
It amounts to non-physical-impact brain damage in the form of PTSD. Among other dysfunctions, it has been described as an emotionally tumultuous daily existence, indeed a continuous discomforting anticipation of ‘the other shoe dropping’. For some others it includes being simultaneously scared of how badly they will deal with the upsetting event, which usually never transpires. It can make every day a mental ordeal, unless the turmoil is prescription and/or illicitly medicated.
Meantime, there are many ‘sober’ people who still believe that addiction often originates from a bout of boredom or simple recklessness, where a person consumed recreationally but became heavily hooked on a substance that eventually destroyed their life and by extension even the lives of loved-ones.
In the book (WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience and Healing) he co-authored with Oprah Winfrey, Dr. Bruce D. Perry (M.D., Ph.D.) writes in regards to self-medicating trauma, substance abuse and addiction:
“But here’s what’s interesting about drug use: For people who are pretty well-regulated, whose basic needs have been met, who have other healthy forms of reward, taking a drug will have some impact, but the pull to come back and use again and again is not as powerful. It may be a pleasurable feeling, but you’re not necessarily going to become addicted.
“Addiction is complex. But I believe that many people who struggle with drug and alcohol abuse are actually trying to self-medicate due to their developmental histories of adversity and trauma.”
[Cont.] .... I've been a chronic worrier and negative thinker almost my entire life, even making myself sick by it as a child. Indeed, I'd really like to have stated on my grave/urn marker someday that, “He spent his life worrying sick about things that never happened.”
I cannot recall much of my half-century-plus life, and almost nothing positive, probably because I spend my ‘present’ anxious about my future and depressed over my past. For me, that includes a fear of how badly I will emotionally deal with the negative or horrible event — which usually doesn’t occur — and especially if I’ll also conclude that I'm at fault.
It would be great if there could be some valuable academic or clinical use from it all — to create or extract from it some practical positivity and purpose — so it wouldn’t have been all in vain.
Meanwhile, I’ll try talking to a woman I find attractive but then mentally freeze up with anticipations of, among other disasters, a potential relationship’s inevitable failure, right up to signing divorce papers a few years later. ... And this curse goes beyond being 'negative'.
Thank you for sharing this so honestly. What you’ve written here holds incredible depth — not just of pain, but of insight. The way you describe the constant inner storm, the fear of emotional fallout, and the exhausting weight of anticipation… that’s something so many people with Complex PTSD live with, yet rarely feel safe enough to say out loud.
You put words to something that a lot of people feel but don’t know how to explain — especially about how early trauma shapes the brain, the body, and our entire experience of the present.
I’ve seen this in my wife’s healing, and honestly, in myself too. The constant bracing for impact, even when nothing is wrong. The fear of how we’ll handle things that haven’t even happened yet. That kind of survival mode takes over EVERYTHING!
And I just want to say this clearly:
what you’ve been through is not in vain! The way you’ve articulated this — the honesty, the self-awareness — it matters. Your experience has value, whether in academic circles or in moments like this — where someone reads your words and FINALLY feels less alone.
You’re not broken. Your body has been doing its job the only way it knew how. That kind of survival takes more strength than most people will ever understand.
I’m curious,
Is there anything that has helped you?
I have a feeling your answer could help someone else make sense of their own healing.
Thank you again for being here — and for writing something that deserves to be read more than once. 🙏
Thank you so much — that really means a lot, especially coming from someone who lives with it every day.
I’ve done a lot of unlearning and relearning to better understand what Kristin actually needed from me — and I’m so grateful to hear this felt accurate and respectful.
This is such a helpful essay for those who love people with trauma. It’s so hard for them to understand what we feel. This is so helpful. Thank you.
Thank you — I really appreciate that. I had no idea how much I didn’t know until I started listening differently.
It’s taken time to understand what safety actually looks like for someone living with Complex PTSD — and I’m still learning.
I’m so glad this spoke to you. It means a lot to know it’s helpful.
Early-life abuse, chronic neglect and/or familial dysfunction left unhindered typically causes the brain to improperly develop. It can readily be the starting point of a life in which the brain uncontrollably releases potentially damaging levels of inflammatory stress hormones and chemicals, even in otherwise non-stressful daily routines.
It amounts to non-physical-impact brain damage in the form of PTSD. Among other dysfunctions, it has been described as an emotionally tumultuous daily existence, indeed a continuous discomforting anticipation of ‘the other shoe dropping’. For some others it includes being simultaneously scared of how badly they will deal with the upsetting event, which usually never transpires. It can make every day a mental ordeal, unless the turmoil is prescription and/or illicitly medicated.
Meantime, there are many ‘sober’ people who still believe that addiction often originates from a bout of boredom or simple recklessness, where a person consumed recreationally but became heavily hooked on a substance that eventually destroyed their life and by extension even the lives of loved-ones.
In the book (WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience and Healing) he co-authored with Oprah Winfrey, Dr. Bruce D. Perry (M.D., Ph.D.) writes in regards to self-medicating trauma, substance abuse and addiction:
“But here’s what’s interesting about drug use: For people who are pretty well-regulated, whose basic needs have been met, who have other healthy forms of reward, taking a drug will have some impact, but the pull to come back and use again and again is not as powerful. It may be a pleasurable feeling, but you’re not necessarily going to become addicted.
“Addiction is complex. But I believe that many people who struggle with drug and alcohol abuse are actually trying to self-medicate due to their developmental histories of adversity and trauma.”
[Cont.] .... I've been a chronic worrier and negative thinker almost my entire life, even making myself sick by it as a child. Indeed, I'd really like to have stated on my grave/urn marker someday that, “He spent his life worrying sick about things that never happened.”
I cannot recall much of my half-century-plus life, and almost nothing positive, probably because I spend my ‘present’ anxious about my future and depressed over my past. For me, that includes a fear of how badly I will emotionally deal with the negative or horrible event — which usually doesn’t occur — and especially if I’ll also conclude that I'm at fault.
It would be great if there could be some valuable academic or clinical use from it all — to create or extract from it some practical positivity and purpose — so it wouldn’t have been all in vain.
Meanwhile, I’ll try talking to a woman I find attractive but then mentally freeze up with anticipations of, among other disasters, a potential relationship’s inevitable failure, right up to signing divorce papers a few years later. ... And this curse goes beyond being 'negative'.
Thank you for sharing this so honestly. What you’ve written here holds incredible depth — not just of pain, but of insight. The way you describe the constant inner storm, the fear of emotional fallout, and the exhausting weight of anticipation… that’s something so many people with Complex PTSD live with, yet rarely feel safe enough to say out loud.
You put words to something that a lot of people feel but don’t know how to explain — especially about how early trauma shapes the brain, the body, and our entire experience of the present.
I’ve seen this in my wife’s healing, and honestly, in myself too. The constant bracing for impact, even when nothing is wrong. The fear of how we’ll handle things that haven’t even happened yet. That kind of survival mode takes over EVERYTHING!
And I just want to say this clearly:
what you’ve been through is not in vain! The way you’ve articulated this — the honesty, the self-awareness — it matters. Your experience has value, whether in academic circles or in moments like this — where someone reads your words and FINALLY feels less alone.
You’re not broken. Your body has been doing its job the only way it knew how. That kind of survival takes more strength than most people will ever understand.
I’m curious,
Is there anything that has helped you?
I have a feeling your answer could help someone else make sense of their own healing.
Thank you again for being here — and for writing something that deserves to be read more than once. 🙏
This is so beautiful and important. Thank you for putting this out into the world. ❤️
Thank you — that truly means a lot.
I didn’t always get it right, but learning how to support someone with Complex PTSD has changed everything for me.
I’m so grateful this resonated with you. I appreciate you taking the time to say that. ❤️
This just feels right. As someone with cptsd I think this is all very accurate and appropriate. Thank you.
Thank you so much — that really means a lot, especially coming from someone who lives with it every day.
I’ve done a lot of unlearning and relearning to better understand what Kristin actually needed from me — and I’m so grateful to hear this felt accurate and respectful.
I’m honored it resonated with you.