7 Things I Wish I Knew Sooner About Supporting a Partner With Complex PTSD
How to Be a Safe Space for Your Partner — Without Losing Yourself
By Travis Francis
When Kristin first told me she had Complex PTSD, I didn’t even know what that meant.
I assumed PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) was something veterans came back with after war. I didn’t realize that the kind of trauma Kristin had survived—early, ongoing, invisible stuff—could shape her entire nervous system, her emotions, her sense of safety, and our relationship.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes along the way.
I’ve also learned what actually helps.
So I want to speak directly to anyone who’s in the early stages of supporting a partner with C-PTSD.
Not from a textbook. From lived experience.
💡 Here’s what I wish I had understood sooner:
1. It’s not about fixing — it’s about validating
At first, I thought I had to offer solutions. Reframe things. Calm her down.
When what she really needed was this:
“I believe you.”
“That makes sense.”
“I hear how much that hurt you.”
Your partner isn’t asking you to fix what happened. They need to know you’re not going to minimize it.
Your job isn’t to take their pain away — it’s to let them feel it safely, with you beside them.
2. Consistency builds more trust than promises ever will
In the early days, I said a lot of things I meant:
“I’ll be here.”
“You can count on me.”
“I want to support you.”
But what actually earned her trust wasn’t those words. It was what I did with them — again and again.
For someone with Complex PTSD, safety isn’t built from words — it’s built from consistent patterns.
Being consistent might not look impressive from the outside, but it makes a huge impact on someone who’s spent their life bracing for disappointment.
3. Take nothing personally — and everything seriously
I used to feel hurt by Kristin’s reactions. Sometimes she’d withdraw or get overwhelmed over things that didn’t make sense to me.
I had to learn:
Her nervous system isn’t reacting to me — it’s reacting to her past.
That doesn’t mean I ignore it.
It means I don’t take it as rejection. I take it seriously — and respond with steadiness, not shame.
4. Support her healing without becoming the healer
It’s tempting to become the person who reads all the books, finds all the therapists, asks all the questions. I’ve been there.
But I had to learn to take a step back and let Kristin lead her own healing process.
That doesn’t mean abandoning her.
It means walking beside her, not in front of her.
Offer support. Share resources. Ask what she needs. Then follow her pace — not mine.
5. Make open communication the goal — not control
One of the best things I learned was to stop asking questions just to get reassurance or clarity for me. I had to start listening with the goal of understanding her.
That meant letting silence happen.
Not pushing for answers.
Asking: “Is now a good time to talk about that?” instead of forcing a conversation when she wasn’t emotionally safe enough to have it.
The more I focused on listening instead of fixing, the safer we both felt.
6. Respect her boundaries — and get clear on yours
Loving someone with Complex PTSD doesn’t mean losing yourself.
There were moments when I became overwhelmed by her emotions. I learned to pause before reacting. Just that pause made all the difference.
Sometimes I had to step back and say, “I just need 5 minutes to take a few deep breaths and center myself so I can be the support person you deserve.”
And when I did, I always made sure to affirm, “I’m not going anywhere — I’ll come right back.” Because for trauma survivors, space without reassurance can feel like abandonment.
That wasn’t me walking away. That was boundary-setting — and boundaries, I’ve learned, go both ways.
If you’re constantly pushing past your own limits, you’ll start resenting the loved one you’re trying to support.
Healthy relationships need two regulated people. Respect her no — and don’t be afraid to voice yours.
7. Take care of yourself, too — it’s not selfish, it’s required
This is the part most people skip. But it matters.
You cannot show up with presence and patience if you’re constantly burned out or disconnected from your own emotional world.
I had to start asking myself:
Am I regulating myself before trying to help her regulate?
Do I have people I can talk to?
Do I know when to take a step back and check in with me?
You can’t pour from an empty cup.
Supporting someone with C-PTSD requires inner strength — and that only comes when you care for yourself, too.
❤️ Final Thoughts
Loving someone with Complex PTSD isn’t about walking on eggshells.
It’s about showing up in ways that are steady, respectful, and real.
I still get things wrong.
I still have days where I feel lost.
But what’s different now is that Kristin and I trust each other enough to name it, talk through it, and come back to connection.
To any partner who’s in the thick of it right now:
You’re not failing. You’re learning.
And learning how to love someone through trauma will change you in the best way — if you let it.
Thank you for being here as I continue sharing what I’ve learned — and what I’m still figuring out — about loving someone through trauma.
Next week, I’ll dive deeper into my own therapy journey about finding the right therapist —and how EMDR is finally helping me heal.
If this series has been meaningful to you, I’d love for you to stick with us.
— Travis
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📌 About Us:
We’re Kristin & Travis Francis — founders of Complex PTSD Warrior. We provide trauma-informed education & support for healing your nervous system, repairing relationships, and breaking generational cycles — with curated tools based in neuroscience & lived C-PTSD experience
Our mission is to spread Complex PTSD Awareness, Education & Tools around the world.
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It could be the message they’ve been waiting their whole life to hear.
This is such a helpful essay for those who love people with trauma. It’s so hard for them to understand what we feel. This is so helpful. Thank you.
Early-life abuse, chronic neglect and/or familial dysfunction left unhindered typically causes the brain to improperly develop. It can readily be the starting point of a life in which the brain uncontrollably releases potentially damaging levels of inflammatory stress hormones and chemicals, even in otherwise non-stressful daily routines.
It amounts to non-physical-impact brain damage in the form of PTSD. Among other dysfunctions, it has been described as an emotionally tumultuous daily existence, indeed a continuous discomforting anticipation of ‘the other shoe dropping’. For some others it includes being simultaneously scared of how badly they will deal with the upsetting event, which usually never transpires. It can make every day a mental ordeal, unless the turmoil is prescription and/or illicitly medicated.
Meantime, there are many ‘sober’ people who still believe that addiction often originates from a bout of boredom or simple recklessness, where a person consumed recreationally but became heavily hooked on a substance that eventually destroyed their life and by extension even the lives of loved-ones.
In the book (WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience and Healing) he co-authored with Oprah Winfrey, Dr. Bruce D. Perry (M.D., Ph.D.) writes in regards to self-medicating trauma, substance abuse and addiction:
“But here’s what’s interesting about drug use: For people who are pretty well-regulated, whose basic needs have been met, who have other healthy forms of reward, taking a drug will have some impact, but the pull to come back and use again and again is not as powerful. It may be a pleasurable feeling, but you’re not necessarily going to become addicted.
“Addiction is complex. But I believe that many people who struggle with drug and alcohol abuse are actually trying to self-medicate due to their developmental histories of adversity and trauma.”