I Couldn’t Be a Safe Place for Her
Until I Did My Own Work
By Travis Francis
When I first started therapy, it was with a marriage counselor and my ex-wife.
I wasn’t looking for healing — I was just trying to survive my failing marriage.
At the time, I thought that was the work: sit in the office, vent a little, try to fix surface-level problems.
But honestly, I was nowhere near ready to face myself yet.
The Early Days
After that, I moved on to a more traditional talk therapist.
She was kind and easy to talk to.
I unloaded a lot during those sessions — work stress, relationship tension, my frustrations as a dad.
It helped, but mostly because she was a good listener.
At the time, that was enough.
But I look back now and realize I was still skimming the surface.
I wasn’t actually changing anything.
Then Everything Shifted
I started working with a men’s coach — someone who called me out and helped me see the real damage I was causing inside my own family.
It wasn’t easy to hear, but I needed it.
For the first time, I understood that my tone, my reactivity, my emotional shutdowns weren’t just “how I am.”
They were behaviors I could take ownership of — and start to change.
That was a turning point.
I finally accepted that I had my own deep stuff to work through — my past, my childhood, the things I buried and never spoke about.
I didn’t just need accountability anymore — I needed healing.
That’s when I started looking for an EMDR therapist.
What Is EMDR — and Why Did I Want It?
EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing.
It’s a therapy that helps people process traumatic memories using rhythmic bilateral stimulation — like flashing lights or tapping — while recalling difficult experiences.
It sounds a little odd at first, but it’s backed by neuroscience and proven to help people reprocess and release trauma.
My wife had done EMDR and told me how much it helped her release old pain — stuff she didn’t even know was still stored in her body.
I saw how different she was after doing that work, and I wanted that for myself.
I didn’t want to feel constantly on edge, angry, or emotionally shut down.
I didn’t want to pass my pain down to my kids.
I wanted to be the kind of partner and father who feels safe — and acts like it.
The Frustrating Search
Over the next three years, I searched for certified EMDR therapists.
I checked directories like EMDRIA.org and the EMDR Institute — both list professionals who’ve completed trauma-specific training.
I found a few therapists who claimed they did EMDR.
They were certified, or at least said they were.
I’d ask if they liked using it and they’d say yes.
But once I started working with them, things didn’t line up.
I’d ask when we’d begin EMDR — and suddenly things got vague.
When we did try it, it was remote, and it just didn’t work.
There was no real structure. No preparation. No consistent process.
I kept thinking, This doesn’t feel like what my wife described.
Eventually, I realized they weren’t actually comfortable doing EMDR — or maybe they didn’t really use it as part of their main approach.
Either way, I was frustrated.
I was trying to do the hard work — and I couldn’t even find someone who could meet me there.
Finally — The Right Fit
After years of trying, I found a therapist near my home — just 15 minutes away — who was certified in EMDR and actually used it.
From our first session, I could tell this was different.
When we got to our first EMDR session, I expected something fancy — flashing lights, beeping sounds, something high-tech.
But instead, she pulled out a simple light bar.
The goal was to track the light with my eyes while revisiting painful memories.
That’s it.
At first, I wasn’t sure what to think.
Part of me was skeptical — Is this really going to do anything?
But then she walked me through the whole process.
She had a clear plan. She explained what to expect.
She asked questions that helped me stay focused and grounded.
Most importantly — she made it feel safe.
She didn’t push. She didn’t rush.
And she didn’t expect me to do EMDR every single time.
Some weeks, we just talk about what’s coming up emotionally.
Other weeks, we return to those early memories and use EMDR to get underneath what’s still living in my body.
That flexibility — combined with how secure I feel in her presence — is what made all the difference.
When EMDR Got Real
A couple months in, EMDR helped me uncover some major things I hadn’t fully connected before.
I realized how deeply insecure I felt as a child and teen — and how much those insecurities still drive my reactions today.
I could finally see how my tone, my yelling, and my emotional shutdowns were linked to that unprocessed pain.
Then just last week, I had a session that shook me — in a way I didn’t see coming.
While revisiting a memory during EMDR, my body had a full-blown panic attack:
• Heart racing
• Chest tightness
• Shaking
• Shortness of breath
• Numbness in my hands
• Overwhelming fear
• Feeling like something terrible was happening
And the wildest part?
I don’t even remember the actual memory that triggered it.
Whatever it was, it was buried so deep that all I felt was the physical aftermath.
But even though that session was intense, it confirmed something for me:
This is working.
My body is releasing what my mind still doesn’t know how to name.
And that’s part of the process. That’s part of healing.
What I Wish I Knew Before
EMDR can be really effective — but it’s not something to jump into without the right kind of support!
The first time I tried it, I realized quickly: this isn’t just about talking through hard stuff.
You’re going back into memories your nervous system buried for a reason.
And if the therapist isn’t trained to help you come back to center afterward, it can leave you feeling raw and overwhelmed.
Think of it this way:
EMDR is like opening up a deep gash on your arm.
Before the session ends, a good therapist knows how to help your system start to close it up — to form a scab, not leave it wide open.
Otherwise, you walk out raw.
And that’s not healing — that’s re-exposure.
I’m not saying that to scare you.
I’m saying it because deep trauma work needs expertise — that includes closure.
A good therapist knows how to guide you through the memory and bring you back out, feeling grounded and centered again.
What Changed for Me
EMDR helped me realize something huge — that the pain from my childhood didn’t just disappear.
It lives in my body, and it shows up in my reactions.
The biggest shift for me was becoming aware that a lot of my emotional responses aren’t really about what’s happening right now.
They’re coming from old wounds — from experiences I never got to process as a kid.
That awareness changed everything.
Now, when I feel that energy come up, I don’t just push it away or try to hide it.
I know where it’s coming from.
I can work with it — instead of letting it control me.
In the beginning, I had no idea how to work with it.
But over time, I found a few simple tools that actually helped me stay present — even when old survival responses kicked in.
EMDR Isn’t a Quick Fix
And it’s not for everyone.
It’s brought up things I didn’t even realize I was still holding.
It’s asked me to sit with emotions I’d spent years avoiding.
But it’s also the first thing that’s helped me actually process what I’ve been carrying — instead of just pushing through it.
Why I Keep Showing Up
I’m not doing this just for me.
I’m doing it for my family.
I’m doing it as a partner to someone with Complex PTSD — because I want to show up in a way that feels safe to her.
Not reactive. Not defensive. Not shut down.
I want to be the kind of man who can hold space.
Who can stay calm. Who can handle hard moments without adding more pain.
I’m doing it for the future I want to have — one where I respond instead of react.
Where I feel calm in my own body.
Where I’m not ruled by past pain.
If You’re Searching — Don’t Give Up
If you're out there searching, frustrated like I was — don’t give up.
Ask questions. Be persistent.
✅ Start with EMDRIA.org or the EMDR Institute Directory
✅ Make sure they’re actually using EMDR, not just trained in it
✅ Ask how often they use it and what their process looks like
You deserve a therapist who doesn’t just listen — but helps you actually heal.
❤️ Final Thoughts
If there’s one thing this process keeps teaching me, it’s this:
We can’t just take care of our families. We have to take care of ourselves, too.
Doing the deeper work — especially with something like EMDR — means tending to both our minds and our bodies.
It means slowing down when we need to.
It means being honest about what’s coming up.
And it means making sure we’re supported by someone who knows how to guide us safely through it all.
Healing isn’t just for her. It’s for me, too.
Coming Next Week
I’ll be sharing the regulation tools that actually helped me stay grounded — especially in the early days after Kristin’s diagnosis.
♥️ If this post resonated with you — or made you feel seen — we’d love to have you stick around.
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📌 About Us:
We’re Kristin & Travis Francis — founders of Complex PTSD Warrior.
We provide trauma-informed education and support for healing your nervous system, repairing relationships, and breaking generational cycles — using curated tools rooted in neuroscience and lived Complex PTSD experience.
Our mission is to spread Complex PTSD Awareness, Education & Tools around the world.
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It might be the message they’ve been waiting their whole life to hear.
Disclaimer: The content shared here is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment. Please go at your own pace, and always prioritize what feels safe for your body and nervous system. If you’re in crisis or need immediate support, please reach out to a licensed mental health provider or crisis resource in your area.
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This is a fantastic account of how regular talk therapy does NOT cut it and even when seeking trauma therapy or a very specific modality like EMDR, it’s hard to find excellent practitioners.
AND that finding those really excellent people is worth it, because we CAN heal at the deepest levels!
I use Internal Family Systems and it’s a miracle for my CPTSD and my clients.
The key is to DO THE DEEP WORK with someone highly trained who knows the territory.
Congrats on finding someone and doing the work!!!